the fate.

i've been thinking a lot about fate and coincidence lately. i blame it on romantic comedies! but mostly (500) days of summer.

i've always been a really big believer in fate and the idea that everything does happen for a reason, despite how obscured the reasoning behind actions might be at any given moment. in daily life where it seems that every choice we make is completely up to us, the idea that those choices that we thought could have changed entire outcomes were really just part of an already mapped out life is crazy. it's interesting.

every single day, i surround myself with 'what if' situations. the end. i don't feel like writing anymore.

caught.

sometimes [right now] my procrastination kicks me in the ass. thus, i'm up at 3 am making a study guide for my midterm in approx. 9 hours. now i'm busying harping on how my life is so busy and full of shit that i have to struggle through.

okay, it's not. 21 hours of school doesn't feel too bad! i find it's harder for me to actually attend class but the workload isn't too intense. also, work? not intense either. i actually like my job though it's in basically a basement and i freeze to death every damn day.

anyways, if only i could stop procrastinating by watching jersey shore episodes or LOLing at arrested development or drinking too much grape juice and subsequently falling asleep on the sofa.

ugh! is it almost thanksgiving yet? i need to get my turkey on.

cupcakes.

i'm so sleepy all the time! damn my procrastination.

i feel like baking/decorating cupcakes. i have no reason to do this since i kind of dislike desserts.

truck nuts.

i'm writing an anthropology paper on truck nuts and the people who buy them.

strangely, i can't make myself stay on task. if writing an essay about truck nuts isn't enough to keep my interest, what has my life come to?

critically indecisive.

i keep posting things! which i guess is a nice change from me forgetting i have a blog at all.

okay. so i was creepin around today, which tends to happen when i have homework out da yang and no desire to do any of it.

the weather is amazzzzzzing. it's not all gray anymore though but i guess its okay since there's sunshine out da yang! i really like that. out da yang. anyways.

sometimes i wish that i would wholeheartedly go for things that i want as opposed to sometimes begrudingly listening to my parents and/or listening to my cheap ass self. what are you being cheap about now, you may ask. i'm not being stingy about the normal things like clothing or school supplies or gas per usual. i am being cheap about school.

my senior year, i didn't even bother to apply ut. i'm not sure why, it was probably a combination of sad self confidence and the fear of being crushed by debt. thus, all freshman year i didn't really party or really get involved in any organizations. i spent most of my days/nights studying or sleeping or eating, all so i could apply ut for my sophomore year.

FINALLY, i got my acceptance letter into ut in july. however, for some questionable reasoning, i decided not to go to ut and to attend uta instead. i think the buildup of my reasoning was 1) i would graduate without debt and 2) i get to be closer to home.

okay those are actually valid reasons hahaha nvm. i take back my "questionable reasoning". howevs, sometimes (often) i wonder what if i had just gone to ut for my sophomore year. then i wouldn't have to be wondering about it all the time and i think i'd love it there. howevs, (yet again) part of my mehness comes from my parents hating the fact that i might be 4 hours away and if (god/buddha/general omnipresent powers) forbid, something were to happen to my fams, i couldn't be able to forgive myself.

people talk about the catholic guilt a lot. but really, the buddhism/slight tendency towards general religions guilt that really bites you in the ass. then again, i'm not blaming my inability to choose/decide life paths on my parents. i'm juss sayin, they are not making it any easier. also, while i'll probably end up finishing up my undergrad at uta, i could see myself living as a broke graduate in austin. we shall see.

god, this weather is making me crazier than usual.

well, i failed my first test since i've been in college.

i feel like this is a rite of passage. then again, it really sucks balls.

i don't feel more motivated though. meeeep.