daily.

maybe i'm not cut out to do that list on the daily :/

buttttt, today's been one of the most stressful days in a while. it's frustrating to not be able to get points or ideas or opinions across. i just get really red faced honestly.

but i get red faced like 80% of the time! >8[

respect.

i really don't understand this lack of mutual respect. it's basic human decency to at least try to respect someone and factor them in at some level, however obscure.

all this unnecessary bullshit really serves no purpose but to piss people off and drive everyone apart. i'm trying really hard to not let it bother me and to let people do what they want, but when (if ever) will people start to see that their choices and actions affect everyone around them?

grievances.

i'm not saying it's the most important thing in my life or that it's of utmost importance, but if you feel the need to say something then own up to it and do it well. esp when someone else is depending on you.

if you find you can't do it, then own up to that too! instead of stringing me along while simultaneously flirting online. so yeah, i'm putting your ass on blast assuming you can figure out who you are. please don't dickride me and everybody else, then shit on your responsbilities. if you feel the need to do that, kindly jump off my nuts and we'll be done with it.

blurred.

everything's going really fast and things keep getting blurred and i miss the days when i fell asleep on my living room sofa, watching frasier or something equally bad.

also, i need to start wearing my glasses despite how shiny they make my forehead look.

furthermore, i'm starting to realize how easy it is to get pulled into shit!

critically indecisive.

i keep posting things! which i guess is a nice change from me forgetting i have a blog at all.

okay. so i was creepin around today, which tends to happen when i have homework out da yang and no desire to do any of it.

the weather is amazzzzzzing. it's not all gray anymore though but i guess its okay since there's sunshine out da yang! i really like that. out da yang. anyways.

sometimes i wish that i would wholeheartedly go for things that i want as opposed to sometimes begrudingly listening to my parents and/or listening to my cheap ass self. what are you being cheap about now, you may ask. i'm not being stingy about the normal things like clothing or school supplies or gas per usual. i am being cheap about school.

my senior year, i didn't even bother to apply ut. i'm not sure why, it was probably a combination of sad self confidence and the fear of being crushed by debt. thus, all freshman year i didn't really party or really get involved in any organizations. i spent most of my days/nights studying or sleeping or eating, all so i could apply ut for my sophomore year.

FINALLY, i got my acceptance letter into ut in july. however, for some questionable reasoning, i decided not to go to ut and to attend uta instead. i think the buildup of my reasoning was 1) i would graduate without debt and 2) i get to be closer to home.

okay those are actually valid reasons hahaha nvm. i take back my "questionable reasoning". howevs, sometimes (often) i wonder what if i had just gone to ut for my sophomore year. then i wouldn't have to be wondering about it all the time and i think i'd love it there. howevs, (yet again) part of my mehness comes from my parents hating the fact that i might be 4 hours away and if (god/buddha/general omnipresent powers) forbid, something were to happen to my fams, i couldn't be able to forgive myself.

people talk about the catholic guilt a lot. but really, the buddhism/slight tendency towards general religions guilt that really bites you in the ass. then again, i'm not blaming my inability to choose/decide life paths on my parents. i'm juss sayin, they are not making it any easier. also, while i'll probably end up finishing up my undergrad at uta, i could see myself living as a broke graduate in austin. we shall see.

god, this weather is making me crazier than usual.

to self.

lately, i've been thinking seriously about my future and what's going to happen after i finish my undergrad degree. i've been wondering if i'm sure about being an anthropology major.

since my freshman year, i've taken 3 anthropology classes and am working on 3 more this semester. every single teacher in anthro has been so incredibly passionate about their careers and the material they're teaching. it's (sadly) so out of the norm for me to encounter this so it forces me to question my own decisions.

all through high school, i've rarely ever felt excited to learn something new. math, history, english and physics were just so boring to me and really just a chore. it's not because i'm awesome at them, because i am definitely not (esp math), it's just because i felt like i didn't want to sit down and read about them and feel happy about it. don't get me wrong, i had really great teachers in some of those subjects and i do like english. it just seems to have lost a sense of adventure about it, at least to me in high school. then i took art as a higher level. i realized that i love it more than anything i've ever done and that i was actually capable of working hard if it was towards something i love.

anthropology (namely with reference to gender studies) is my new love. i find myself actually wanting to learn and take as many classes as i can. that's something relatively new to me and so what if when i graduate, i will probably be broke as fuck? this is a cliche, but i'd rather be broke as fuck and doing something that i love and am so passionate about than shitting pots of money and miserable and counting down days to vacations i'll never take.

besides, mcdonald's has a value menu and i have a giant piggy bank full of pennies and old chuck e. cheese coins.

i don't know why i insist on being so hard on myself.

2.

it's been almost 2 weeks since i've written an entry! i'll give the cliche/vague excuse: "i've been busy."

but i have. between school/work/vsa, i barely have time to sit/complain/watch criminal minds.

also, i was talking to megan about the past and how i've learned things. pretty giving that whole "oh, yeah. it was a real shitty experience but i def learned from it" thing. i guess past mistakes can just be twisted into lessons later on. so that's what i did.

i guess what i'm really just wondering right now is the differences and boundary lines between certain things. i'm wondering if i know myself well enough to make a decision. i think i do.

then again, maybe i don't.

[i'm also considering finally getting a tattoo. but i've said this for about 3 years hahaha]

complaints.

i'm a complainer. i have been since birth. eventually, i'll get up and get shit done but i will still bitch about it. i'm also always inside my head. when carrie bradshaw accused miranda hobbes of doing this, i realized that i might be a miranda hobbes.

every so often, i have really lame revelations. they go like this: "ohmygod, i've realized that i don't want to waste my life! i need to do something! i feel like i'm in a rut!" and nidhi is usually the person on the other line.

ever since i started this new blog, my old xanga has gone moldy and dusty. i feel like this is a fake blog for myself since i only choose to write about light things involving my hatred of the bachelor and how i am constantly shiny headed. while my xanga was old/shriveled/crusty/ancient, it was more real. even though everything i wrote was only about a sentence long, i felt as if it was me, the good/bad/sad/awkward.

so i don't want to be so one sided on this blog anymore. i don't want to only write about things that are light and amusing. so i won't. also, all this self doubt and feelings of inadequacy can kiss my (recently inspired by the movie, Tootsie) ass. i'll write more about this later. maybe.

bleeding love and other things leona lewis sang about.

i was just called a "bleeding heart liberal" today. thus is the title of my post. however, this is not a post about jesse mccartney written ballads which are sung by leona lewis and etc. i just liked the way it sounded ha! so i will beat this dead horse of a blog post title and use it as an overwrought theme. holla!

*the only song i have ever heard by leona lewis is "bleeding love" so i had to google other songs by her and struggled to incorporate the titles into my post. why i insist on painting myself into a love ballad corner, i'm not sure. bear with me.

"Bleeding Love": i'm not exactly sure how being a bleeding heart liberal (which i suppose means you care to"o much about certain issues?) is exactly a huge insult. i mean, isn't a huge part of the human experience (i sound like a robot) is caring about somebody/something other than yourself? and trust, politics is personal. so to be called a bleeding heart liberal is really just baffling. it's like entering a yo mama is so _____ ! contest and coming up with "yo mama is so wonderful, she shits cookies and love!

"Stone Hearts & Hand Grenades": wtf leona lewis? oh well. anyways, today is the 47th anniversay of MLK Jr.'s "I Have a Dream" speech on the steps of the Lincoln Memorial. Now, everybody loves Martin Luther Kings (Sr. and Jr.) right? except for like, white supremacists. So having Glenn Beck (noted general hatemonger and right wing nut) hold his teabagging tea party "restore honor to America" rally on the very same steps and the very same day, shit's gonna hit the fan. really, Glenn Beck, really? You could've done it any other day (i would still bitch about it) but on today, of all days. that is a hand grenade right into my liberal flavored stone heart.

"Dip Down" and "Chiquitita": I just liked these titles. Also, isn't "Chiquitita" an ABBA song? I tried to listen to Dip Down and only got to like, 46 seconds.

Must. End. Post. With. Good. Song.

Gifted by N.A.S.A (ft. Lykke Li, Santogold and Kanye)

meg cabot flavored rant.

i really love reading funny murder mystery books. you might be saying, how can a book be murder filled and be funny?

well, it mostly cannot. the books, my guilty pleasures, are cheesy as hell. they also have a weird culinary reference most of the time.

my favs are by nancy fairbanks and they center on a culinary writer who finds herself in the middle of food flavored murder scenes/crimes all the time! i guess i just love food so much that i must interject it into most aspects of my life. even those really embarrassing aspects.

anyways! when i was in middle school, girls used to read books by meg cabot all the time. so i decided to pick up a meg cabot book named "size 14 is not fat either". i only got to the second page before i couldn't handle anymore.

i'm used to really cheesy dialogue and cringing while avidly reading when i'm imbibing in these types of books but dayummmm meg cabot.

her character, former pop tart heather wells, was enduring the blistering cold blah blah blah. so she kept talking about how the grocery stores are closing up because of the cold and how there aren't any people on the street.

except drug dealers. she says "and still the drug dealers are out in full force...i guess that just goes to show that we americans still have a lot to learn from our hardworking immigrant population."

i had to keep reading this sentence over and over and i kept thinking "wait, what? is this racist? wtf ? WTF MEG CABOT, WRITER OF CHEESY TEEN NOVELS EVERYWHERE?"

and you know what, it totes is. maybe not racist per se but horribly offensive. but would it be racist? because i can assume that "immigrant population" is pointed at certain races obvi. so what meg cabot's trying to say is that americans should look up to immigrants because we're such intense drug dealers that we even work in the snow?

so i stopped reading her book. it might be perceived as a very small reason but i guess to me, i can't agree with her, however small, dig. by reading her book, i feel like i'd personally be doing just that.

honesty.

i dread signing into emails, blog commenting, buying useless crap online.

why?

not because i dislike emailing, blog commenting, or useless crap! it's because of the word verification tests that check to see if i'm a mindless robot out to buy 50 cases of j. lo sized fake booty butt pads.

damned word verification aka captcha! it takes me about 10 minutes to decipher the symbols and after about 30 tries. it's a hidden shame.



damn you, captcha. you did me dirty.