truck nuts.

i'm writing an anthropology paper on truck nuts and the people who buy them.

strangely, i can't make myself stay on task. if writing an essay about truck nuts isn't enough to keep my interest, what has my life come to?

blurred.

everything's going really fast and things keep getting blurred and i miss the days when i fell asleep on my living room sofa, watching frasier or something equally bad.

also, i need to start wearing my glasses despite how shiny they make my forehead look.

furthermore, i'm starting to realize how easy it is to get pulled into shit!

critically indecisive.

i keep posting things! which i guess is a nice change from me forgetting i have a blog at all.

okay. so i was creepin around today, which tends to happen when i have homework out da yang and no desire to do any of it.

the weather is amazzzzzzing. it's not all gray anymore though but i guess its okay since there's sunshine out da yang! i really like that. out da yang. anyways.

sometimes i wish that i would wholeheartedly go for things that i want as opposed to sometimes begrudingly listening to my parents and/or listening to my cheap ass self. what are you being cheap about now, you may ask. i'm not being stingy about the normal things like clothing or school supplies or gas per usual. i am being cheap about school.

my senior year, i didn't even bother to apply ut. i'm not sure why, it was probably a combination of sad self confidence and the fear of being crushed by debt. thus, all freshman year i didn't really party or really get involved in any organizations. i spent most of my days/nights studying or sleeping or eating, all so i could apply ut for my sophomore year.

FINALLY, i got my acceptance letter into ut in july. however, for some questionable reasoning, i decided not to go to ut and to attend uta instead. i think the buildup of my reasoning was 1) i would graduate without debt and 2) i get to be closer to home.

okay those are actually valid reasons hahaha nvm. i take back my "questionable reasoning". howevs, sometimes (often) i wonder what if i had just gone to ut for my sophomore year. then i wouldn't have to be wondering about it all the time and i think i'd love it there. howevs, (yet again) part of my mehness comes from my parents hating the fact that i might be 4 hours away and if (god/buddha/general omnipresent powers) forbid, something were to happen to my fams, i couldn't be able to forgive myself.

people talk about the catholic guilt a lot. but really, the buddhism/slight tendency towards general religions guilt that really bites you in the ass. then again, i'm not blaming my inability to choose/decide life paths on my parents. i'm juss sayin, they are not making it any easier. also, while i'll probably end up finishing up my undergrad at uta, i could see myself living as a broke graduate in austin. we shall see.

god, this weather is making me crazier than usual.

my grandparents are coming to visit us in november and they're staying until the new year!

best news i've heard in a really long time.

i'm obsessed with my gparents, no lie. it's hard to not be obsessed with two people who send me 10 lb boxes of tangerines and guavas. also, for most of my childhood, my gparents lived in vietnam. then they came to california but then we moved to texas. so i've only had them in my life for about 3 years altogether! so to have my gparents lounging in our living room and going to restaurants and zoos and botanical gardens with them, these all add up to the best news ever.

*also, halloween/halloween season is coming! right now, i'm sitting by a window my mom forced me to open. a cold ass breeze is coming in and i love this weather.

well, i failed my first test since i've been in college.

i feel like this is a rite of passage. then again, it really sucks balls.

i don't feel more motivated though. meeeep.

to self.

lately, i've been thinking seriously about my future and what's going to happen after i finish my undergrad degree. i've been wondering if i'm sure about being an anthropology major.

since my freshman year, i've taken 3 anthropology classes and am working on 3 more this semester. every single teacher in anthro has been so incredibly passionate about their careers and the material they're teaching. it's (sadly) so out of the norm for me to encounter this so it forces me to question my own decisions.

all through high school, i've rarely ever felt excited to learn something new. math, history, english and physics were just so boring to me and really just a chore. it's not because i'm awesome at them, because i am definitely not (esp math), it's just because i felt like i didn't want to sit down and read about them and feel happy about it. don't get me wrong, i had really great teachers in some of those subjects and i do like english. it just seems to have lost a sense of adventure about it, at least to me in high school. then i took art as a higher level. i realized that i love it more than anything i've ever done and that i was actually capable of working hard if it was towards something i love.

anthropology (namely with reference to gender studies) is my new love. i find myself actually wanting to learn and take as many classes as i can. that's something relatively new to me and so what if when i graduate, i will probably be broke as fuck? this is a cliche, but i'd rather be broke as fuck and doing something that i love and am so passionate about than shitting pots of money and miserable and counting down days to vacations i'll never take.

besides, mcdonald's has a value menu and i have a giant piggy bank full of pennies and old chuck e. cheese coins.

i don't know why i insist on being so hard on myself.